My therapist Gary told me this afternoon, "I'm not sure how you're keeping it together." This is what I pay him for. Gillian commented later this evening that reading the blog seems like only part of the picture. Surely I must be losing my mind off camera. I assure you, though, you're getting my emotions at the time. As I've told Gary, writing makes me feel better, so the act of writing it out makes things seem not so bad.
Today has been rough, honestly. As I talked to Gillian briefly, though, it occurred to me that it's the transitions that are hard just like for Ian.
I was trying to get work things done but I also needed to go check up on Rich. As I left Gary's, my tire pressure monitor went off. When I pulled in the driveway, I discovered a giant screw in my tire. I felt like Rich was being cranky but he assures me he wasn't. I know he was concerned about his tingling hands but I was losing patience helping him troubleshoot it this afternoon. Mostly I was having a hard time trying to be two people at once.
Rich was losing patience with Ian which was making me lose patience with them both. I just wanted to be left alone with a cup of tea. I didn't want to haggle over how many mini Reese's peanut butter cups Ian could have this evening. But in the end, it all worked out. We got the tire fixed so we can take the van to Richmond. I managed to bathe my son with seconds to spare before we rushed back to pick up the van from the tire center. We discovered Rich can drive himself places just fine so my days as the chauffeur for our household are numbered (thank you!). Rich walked twice today for a total of over a mile. Shilo walked our dogs. I had a nice phone call with Gillian and a nice car ride with my mom (as we raced back to the tire center). I'm sharing the couch with Shannon right now as we both peck away on our respective laptops in the wee hours of the night. Things aren't so bad.
Part of it is that I tend to write at the end of the day and it's my opportunity to gain perspective. All the things that were driving me nuts at 6pm have faded by this late hour. So I am keeping it all together. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. I just appreciate the process.