"I'm feeling anxious." I said this to Rich as we drove back from our late breakfast. It just snuck up on me sitting in the passenger seat when I realized my stomach was churning and it wasn't from the blueberry bagel I'd just had.
I have been under the weather this week and falling asleep early several nights in a row. It means I miss my bedtime pills routine so I haven't been taking my Zoloft. I can't take it in the morning because it knocks me straight out and I'll be useless for hours, so I just try to catch up the next night. But that doesn't really work with Zoloft.
So today in the van it caught up with me like a truck and ran me over. I was anxious about driving to Chesapeake because I didn't know where I was going (never mind I've lived here my entire fucking life and have multiple GPSes). I was anxious that I was going to be late to Ian's friend's birthday party (as if 2-year-olds do anything on time). I was anxious about the state of my work In box. I was anxious about work on Monday even though it was Saturday morning. I was anxious about my cell phone battery being crap since I've updated to iOS 5. I was anxious about finishing our landscaping projects this weekend before it get too cold and before our time runs out to get reimbursed by the city. I'm sure somewhere in there I was worried about national debt, how the death penalty gets enforced and how military families survive long deployments.
So I just kind of fell apart in the front room while Rich looked at me puzzled and Ian rode his tricycle in circles, refusing to put on his jacket. I yelled about how I know none of this is logical and it's all the same things that existed last week and didn't make me anxious but last week I had a steady dose of 50mg of Zoloft every night and this week I don't and my brain is not handling it well. And then I yelled about how I want to keep taking the Zoloft because when I actually take it, it does magical wonderful things that make me feel normal and whole and peaceful and there are unicorns and butterflies. But it's just one more thing to remember to take.
I considered yelling about how the man who has never in the 13 years I've known him successfully completed a 10 day course of antibiotics without having pills left over should not offer advice about taking medication consistently. I just thought that really hard in the car on the way to this birthday party.
It's just a sucky situation all around. Rich just wants to help and there's nothing he can do. But there's nothing I can do short term either. I just have to put my head down and make it through the day and take deep breaths. So after an extremely long day, I'm so grateful that it's bedtime now and I can go take my Zoloft and pass out. And tomorrow will be better.