Try before you buy

I asked Rich if this counted as a vice and he said, "yes, because it absolutely infuriates me." I am the reason they make those horrible clamshell plastic packages. I'm the reason they invented shrink wrap. I'm the reason they use zip ties to keep zippers closed. Before I buy most things, if there is no display item, I open the box to test out its contents in the store.

The first time I did this around Rich he acted like I was stuffing the item under my shirt and trying to walk out with it.

"That's not yours yet. You didn't buy that!"

"And I'm not going to if it's crap. I'll put it all back together and buy this one if I like it. But I need to test it first."

I also sample produce in the grocery store before buying. I mean, I don't peel a banana and dig in, but I'll test a grape before putting a whole bunch of possibly bitter ones in my basket.

My ex-aunt-in-law Cindy used to push her thumb into the fish package to smell it before buying it. She justified it by saying that if it smelled ok she'd buy that one but if it smelled funny, no one should be buying it. I don't puncture meat packages but a green bean or two missing won't upset the grocery economy.

I saw a woman in New York City wearing a fancy dress with the price tag still attached. Her friend stopped her before crossing the street to tuck it back in. So I don't return expensive clothes after wearing them and sweating all over them in crowded bars. I'm just a focus group of one, testing products in the aisle before checking out.

When I win the lottery, I'm going to open a boutique where you can shop for bags and try out all your crap in it before buying it. We'll have bag consultants and a little table to sit at and practice finding a home for your wallet and phone. Then there will be less tissue paper littering the purse aisle from people like me camping out in the floor with three different bags.

You don't buy a car without test driving it first. I just think the same applies to camera bags and cuisinarts.