Now I just need a megaphone ...

Yesterday as we drove back from lunch, Rich and I saw several men on a local street corner yelling. It was hard to understand what they were saying, despite one of them having a megaphone, but Rich got a piece of their literature and it was something about some old white guy proselytizing and how we shouldn't miss it. There were four young white guys in jeans and t-shirts sharing the megaphone and clapping their hands in agreement with whomever was talking. I remarked to Rich that I couldn't think of anything about the Lord I needed to share with others on this beautiful afternoon, particularly at that volume. But in light of this month's Living Out Loud theme, I did realize there are lots of other things I'd be happy to share via megaphone with the general public.

So if you see me on a street corner in the near future, listen for some of these gems. I need to make a pamphlet to hand out with them.

Animals Cats do not belong on any surface that serves food. Cats will most likely not agree to this rule, but tend to at least do it when you're not around. Your job is to ignore any cat hairs you may see on the dining room table while they agree to run away feigning shame if you catch them in the act. This charade is a social contract between me and all cats.

Never break up a dog fight with your body because invariably you will end up the worst for wear.

Always try to space out your pets as much as possible in age. Sure they may play together great when they're both 2, but they're also going to become feeble and incontinent around the same time too.

Household The vacuum cleaner cord should be wound in a figure 8 pattern. It may take up more space on the winders but will not be twisted when you remove it.

Top sheets get tucked in even though the first thing you'll do is rip them loose once you're in bed. They also go "pretty side down" so that when you fold the top sheet over it's pretty.

Pillow cases go on pillows so that the tags are covered up. Pillows go on the bed so that the pillow opening faces outwards. No one should ever have to roll over in the night and be faced with open pillow mouth!

Food and Dining Sugar free pancake syrup is not food. No one actually prefers it over real syrup and it's just another tool for people to feel like they're cheating the system versus just not drowning your food in syrup.

Always be kind to your waitstaff. They are alone with your food.

If your service is so bad that you consider leaving less than a 10% tip, you should have just left the restaurant. Shorting that server a tip is not going to teach anyone anything.

Cantaloupe, tomatoes, butter and jelly are always better at room temperature.

Human Nature If you have a problem with everyone, it's most likely not everyone. It's you. (I learned this from my ex-mother-in-law.)

Lying puts a price on your character, generally one you're not willing to spend. (I learned this from Mr. Laws in middle school.)

Somebody's gotta go first. (This I borrowed from my old boss Harry at his retirement party.)

Anything worth having is a lot of trouble. (My grandmother said this about watermelon, but it stands true.)

Most people think they're a good driver and have a good sense of humor.

"I'm sorry if you feel that way" is not an apology. Stop trying to be right and just apologize.

I really enjoyed making this list and these are just the ones I could think of in the last few days. Maybe I'll post more rules as I think of them. That's probably what Twitter was designed for anyways.