Back when they were about three months old, I told my cousin that her twins were like tiny drunks. They can't feed or dress themselves, you can't understand what their saying though they're really adamant about telling you and anything they try to do for themselves just makes a mess. I now have a tiny drunk of my own but today he's been a mean drunk.
You know those beautiful long fingers he has? They've been gripping my nipple with his dagger fingernails that I swear grew since this morning and trying to turn the faucet on my boob to get to the milk. Even once he latches on, he does the angriest nursing routine ever, frowning and grunting and stiff-arming my sternum with one arm while clawing at my side with the other.
Once he's had his fill and I assume he'll be content, he just sits in my lap and grunts angrily and frowns at me. He started all of this last night and by 3am we retreated back to the recliner because it was the only way both of us could sleep.
He's eaten twice as much as he normally does today and in 8 minute spurts where I think he's done and 5 minutes later he's demanding another drink from the bartender. God forbid I tell him he's had enough or maybe I should call him a cab or he should take a nap, he just looks at me like "you're not the boss of ME," grunting and gesturing wildly.
This afternoon after a very late lunch Rich said he was going to mow the lawn. I told him I was going to try taking the boy upstairs for a nap. He had been sleeping peacefully in his bucket and I was hoping I could just sneak him out into the bed and cuddle for a bit.
As soon as I got him upstairs he woke right up, demanded a drink, got in a punching match with my chest, farted continually with no remorse and refused to be consoled for an hour while he reminded me of the injustice of his situation. He never actually cries but just grunts angrily and thrashes around. After an hour of all that, I finally got him swaddled up and in my arms (because despite nursing for 45 minutes he refused to sleep lying down). Just then Rich came in from mowing the lawn and asked how my nap was and I just stared at him. Of course the baby was cooing peacefully in my arms for the first time all day.
Thankfully, Christie sent me an email the other day with the heads up that her baby went through a growth spurt between two and three weeks where she was really fussy and ate a ton for a couple of days before she slept non-stop for a day. Had I not had this tidbit of information I would have really worried that this mood change was foreshadowing of things to come. Because if this is not just a growth spurt, I'm putting this little drunk in a 12 step program pronto.