I'm going to call my OB's office tomorrow and break up with my dietitian. When I went in for my check up on Monday, we barely spoke. Each time I go there, though, I get anxious about having to deal with her. So I think at this point I just need to give her the opportunity to see other patients. In the last four weeks I've gone to three conferences nearly back-to-back. I understand the cost of putting on a production like that and I also understand that foods high in carbs are much cheaper and easier to provide than those with a lower glycemic value. I am also sick to death of living off of protein bars out of my laptop bag.
At this point, anytime I eat or do something out of the ordinary, I pay for it with very high or very low blood sugars. Mind you, by out of the ordinary I don't mean splurging on a jelly doughnut since everyone else had one. I mean out of the ordinary like eating cereal without pouring it into a measuring cup first or disconnecting my pump for a 15 minute shower or swim. My carb ratios are so low now that the difference between guessing that a food is 30 versus 40 grams of carbs can possibly be the difference between my blood sugar being 50 or 250 from wrong calculations. I'm tired of crying over finding a new painful infusion site, agonizing over what foods to eat and being disappointed in the consequences. And I'm definitely tired of not getting any support about it but just criticism and disdain.
When I went for my appointment on Monday, my dietitian Marilyn came in with some random student. She didn't introduce the student, took my log book from me and started reviewing it on the counter with her back to me. The student smiled awkwardly. Marilyn flipped through my log and then blurted out, "ooOOOoo watermelon! I sure hope you had some protein with that." I was floored. Seriously? She just went ooOOOoo at me? I told her, "I don't remember what I ate with it because you're holding my log book." Marilyn said nothing for almost a minute. Then she mumbled "Well, it doesn't look like your blood sugar went high because of it."
Watermelon is actually not that bad for you because it's mostly water. I just looked it up in my completely compulsive online spreadsheet of all food and medication I've had since FEBRUARY and my blood sugar was 69 before the watermelon and 97 afterward. First of all, can anyone tell me what the hell you had for lunch on February 24th? I had an egg salad sandwich and mushroom barley soup at 12:12pm.
So you know what, Marilyn? Fuck you. I don't have to dread opening my fridge or hear your bullshit about everything I might want to eat either in my head or at our visits. I shouldn't have to create secret codes in my log book for the completely fictitious foods I put in there because I don't want to listen to snarky comments about what I really did or didn't eat if it doesn't bother my blood sugars. I don't want to hear the same line about protein like a broken record and yet get disinterested shrugs when I ask for advice on what could have caused a high blood sugar despite eating cheese with my meal. This relationship has become too much work. You're too controlling. You've driven me to lie and cheat and I don't need this abuse anymore. So I'm leaving.
I thought I could tough it out with you a little longer for the baby's sake but it's just not healthy for me and my son.