This is a sample of what my last two days have been like.
First, some explanation of the picture. Remember my blood sugars are supposed to stay under 150 at all times. I highlight my morning fasting blood sugars in blue so the dietitian can scan through them over three weeks (she complained about that a month ago that my chart was too confusing for her to read). I also label my breakfast, lunch and dinner meals to help break up each day and I made a pink header for each day to help separate those in each week. I do a new worksheet for each week, starting on Monday. I log my blood sugar, a description of the food, estimated carb content, how much insulin I took and any notes. I also added that protein column this week as a bit of a "screw you" after my last appointment. Oh and while I'm not a military time kind of person at all, it's much easier for logging data quickly.
What is so infuriating is that the dietitians want to have some reason (generally something I did wrong) that causes any blood sugar out of range. It's how they feel helpful. But if you press them too much with "alright, I give up. You tell me why my blood sugars were so high all day!" what usually happens then is they give some lame excuse of "well, sometimes there just isn't an explanation." Well, that's just fucking great.
I can't wear my infusion sites on my stomach anymore because the skin is tight and sensitive but everywhere else I've tried so far hurts and happens to be some place I run into all the time so I'm afraid I'm going to rip them out. I got a huge bruise on my arm from my last CGM sensor so much so that it hurt to sleep on that side. My blood sugar is 211 right now, despite taking twice the insulin I should have at lunch (I bolused for it and then punted on half the meal because it was gross).
The other day I was casually trying to explain something about one of the many devices I wear attached to me or some complicated routine I go through to manage all this and someone remarked, "I just couldn't do all that. If that were me, I'd just die." Really? You'd let something like diabetes sucker-punch you like that? You'd just give up? You'd just find someone else to make you a baby or tell you what to eat or do your math for you? God I hope not.
Matt used to talk about the hassles of his colostomy then laugh and say, "it sure beats being dead, though!" It's hard and it's unfair and it's a giant pain in the ass, but it's just another one of those things that isn't going to get better by ignoring it. I was hoping writing all this down would make me feel better, but I'm still pissed off.
I'll change my infusion site and tubing in case it's gone bad (wish me luck finding a new spot that doesn't hurt). I'll close my office door and have a good cry about it. I'll drink more water and check my blood again in an hour. And I'll just keep going. They don't make vacations from stuff like this.