For those of you who haven't noticed, I've been sporadic at best in my updates. And the recent writings have sort of lacked insight. This has bothered me a lot more than it probably has bothered my three faithful readers. I have felt ... censored ... recently. As if the things going on in my life are either not of interest to others or too “personal” to share. I've become one of those people who writes about not much of anything while there's a storm of ideas and thoughts going on in my head. It sucks. I don't know how you people do it. But lately I've felt gagged - and not in a “smack my ass harder, cowboy” kind of way.I've been told that I “live out loud.” But it's something that has worked for me in my life. Suddenly, people that I trust started advising me to not share quite so much. To be more private in my words and actions. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But I really think it's made me kind of antsy all around. As if someone will judge me for what I write or say or do. It would be foolish to say that I am beyond judgement. Sitting in a corner not talking, though, is not really going to make my life any easier. So I'm going to try to get back to me - to the girl who has few secrets and plenty of opinions. Having said that, let's get started ... Divorce sucks. Don't ever let anybody tell you differently. Even if it's something that the husband and wife both want (or at least see as for the best), it's still the dissolvement of an agreement between two people who love each other. It's still a significant change. It's still coming to terms with something that didn't work. My Sweetpea who I used to roll around on the floor with is now the Jeremy who I send emails reminding him to put the gas bill in his name. Daddy is right; it's like a hurricane. You can try to plan for it or prevent it or avoid it. But after the hurricane sweeps through your marriage, all you can do is move on. Some things are better and some things are worse. I enjoy having my own space now and the steps I've taken to become independent yet not aloof (easier said than done at times). But I miss sitting in the kitchen with Jer making homemade eggrolls while we talked about our days. Last week I went to the lawyer's office to talk about our separation agreement. It was all I could do to get out of the office before crying. I cried the whole way back to the office. I cried at work. I cried on the way home. I cried at my parents' house. I cried on my sofa. I don't think I've cried that much since Jer and I first split up. I'm not even sure what was so horrible. I knew everything the lawyer told me ahead of time. I've known about all of this for months. I think it really was just having something significant - my marriage - laid out on a large mahogany table for me to digest. It's like looking at your past, present and future all at once on paper. It was just a little more than my poor heart could take at the time. Maybe this would be easier if Jeremy were a rat bastard. But you and I all know better than that. He's a good man. He's caring and trusting and honest and funny and smart. Somehow we just didn't work out. I'm glad that I had the chance to spend some very good times with him. I'm thankful that we're still friends. I'm sorry that we both have to go through this mess in order to move on. But good things await both of us, I'm sure, after the storm.